After 2 1/2 years, my handsome son finally appears to be getting the potty training thing. He really resisted at first – peeing with glee on the carpet, the tile, the leather couch, his Thomas the Train take-along set ("But Percy needed a wash-down!").
This past weekend, we did the "potty training in less than a day" program. Woo hoo! It worked! He has been using the potty like a champ and letting us know that he has to pee. Considering that diapers are ridiculously expensive ($40/box), this achievement would save us over $100/month.
So my family and I are walking through our neighborhood on the public easement between the golf course and houses last night. We had our clubs so we could practice chipping shots along the way. Not bothering anyone, mind you. It's a very large easement.
"Mommy, gotta go pee."
Right in the middle of the easement, a good block away from our house.
Now anyone who's ever potty trained knows that when a 2-year-old says he has to pee, HE HAS TO PEE. Right then and there. "Just hold it for 10 minutes honey" is NOT an option.
So after looking around to see if there would be anyone around that might be offended, and seeing no one, I helped my son drop trou. His chubby buns were facing the house behind us in case someone inside should happen to be offended by his 3/4" tinky winky.
I waited. Sometimes it takes a few seconds for him to relax and let the pee flow.
Like so many men I've seen over the years who try to sneak in a pee on the golf course behind my house, my little boy started to pee on the grass.
And then YOU came out. Still in your work button-down and pants and your uptight corporate attitude, rushing out with a cell phone plastered on your ear like you were in the middle of some earth-shattering business deal. Mr. Important. You were extremely agitated about my son peeing, despite the fact that we weren't even on your property.
"What are you doing? Can't you do that somewhere else? I like to walk back there."
Jesus. The kid squirts out maybe four tablespoons of pee, he's almost done, and you want me to relocate him mid-pee because you WALK BACK THERE on property that doesn't belong to you?
"Dude. He HAD TO GO." My husband, the protector.
"Why are you here doing that… Come on, I don't want you to do that." God, the guy was fucking annoying. Did he really have nothing better to do than bitch about a 2-year-old that didn't want to pee in his pants??
"Look," I said. "We have just started potty training. We are still quite a bit aways from our house. I have no change of clothes for him. He HAD TO GO. He's almost done." (That was true – by this time my son was totally frozen up.)
But the guy still wouldn't let it go. Bitch, moan, bitch, moan.
My husband was starting to fume. "What is your problem? Why can't you be fucking nice? We're neighbors, you jerk. We live right over there. Why do you have to be such an asshole about a 2-year-old that had to pee?"
He and my husband exchanged more words. The guy's attitude became more arrogant and threatening. "Yeah, YOU'RE the father of the year." My husband, who works out like crazy, was so ready to take on this skinny excuse for a man. But we could see the game Mr. Baby Boomer was playing. He just wanted an excuse to call the police.
"You WANT to make this a big issue? Come off your property and we can settle this." My husband was seething.
I grabbed my husband's arm and made him start walking away. Of course, my son soon had to pee again since he got all bunged up from Mr. Asshole's rant. So we stopped, this time on the easement by the cart path. As my son stood there, goodies hanging out, trying to pee, two carts drove by. The older guys in the cart chuckled. I smiled back, half embarrassed, half amused.
Once he was done peeing (completely this time), we started to walk again. We turned around, and there was Mr. Douchebag, walking off his property directly toward us, still on the damn phone.
Now I'm not a guy, but apparently that is guy-speak for "let's settle things." My husband dropped his clubs and took off running toward him. Immediately the guys that had just passed us on the cart path rushed over. "We're cops! Stop right now!"
Are you kidding me??
I had my daughter watch my son and ran over to talk to them. After explaining why Mr. Fuckface was so put-out, the cops said incredulously, "So he's mad because your son was being a 2-year-old?"
Yup. It's really that stupid.
"Well, that guy is not worth your time. You were doing the right thing by walking away."
So walk away we did. But Mr. Dickweed cheerily yelled out, "I'm on the phone with the cops right now!" In case you were wondering, YES HE DID call the cops. We saw the flashing lights from the next hole. I feel bad for the cops in our neighborhood. Lots of Baby Boomers with "me, me, me" attitudes who get their tighty-whiteys in a wad over the dumbest stuff. I wonder what the cop wrote in his report. "Stupid asshole fears for his safety because a 2-year-old pee'd near his backyard."
As for YOU, you heartless bastard. Dude. You live on a freakin' golf course. The fact is, WE WEREN'T EVEN IN YOUR YARD!
It's an unfortunate fact of living on a golf course that people are always walking around on the course. Do you have any idea how many people have walked through my property over the years? How many guys try to sneak a peek through the trees at the females of the house as we sunbathe by the pool? How many of them have pee'd IN my yard because they couldn't hold it in any longer? One neighbor uses my yard as a cut through to walk his dogs every stinkin' night.
Besides, do you really think a 2-year-old's pee compares to the dogs that crap and pee in your yard because you chose to have no fence?
Not only that, but I have seen YOUR SONS drive their motorcycles all over the golf course FAIRWAY – which IS private property NOT owned by YOU. You are such a stupid, disrespectful, mean, self-righteous hypocrite. Father of the Year.
Well, I've looked you up. I know that you got divorced and your ex- wife lives in a $700,000 house with her new husband and that probably eats you up. I know you are living in that house that you didn't even buy, but some family member was nice enough to sign you over on the deed and now you've refinanced. Most of all, I know you are completely intolerant and selfish and if you are not compassionate enough to understand that toddlers CAN'T always hold their pee in the middle of a field, then I completely get why you're a bitter and lonely man.
Instead of bitching, maybe you shoulda just offered your bathroom?
